Aloha Madness

We hadn’t even completely taken our seats on the flight to Maui when I caught the older woman sitting next to me (I had an aisle seat) staring at me longingly—or staring at my seat longingly.

“My husband,” she began, “is sitting behind us, you see, and I can’t take care of my grandson by myself.” She gestured to the two-year-old child sitting in the window seat next to her.

“Um, I…”

Then my husband broke in and offered to take the husband’s seat, I could take his seat, and the other husband could take my seat.

The people who had the other husband penned in grumpily unhooked their seatbelts and lumbered into the aisle to let him out. So we all changed seats.

At that moment, the flight attendant announced on the PA system that the doors were closing and we were ready to leave. The two seats next to me were still empty, and I was about to tell my husband that he could move again when a nervous-looking man in his 30s ran up and almost jumped into the window seat next to me.

Okay.

Within a few minutes, one of the flight attendants approached with video players (to watch movies) and asked Mr. Antsy if he wanted to rent one.

He frowned but managed to look earnest at the same time.

“Can you go up to Row 19 and ask my wife if she rented one? I don’t want to rent one if she did.”

The woman smiled brightly and I groaned on the inside.

“Sure!”

And so she disappeared and reappeared, saying that the wife had not rented one, and so he cheerfully handed over his credit card.

The flight attendant handed him the video player, and he actually accepted it, and then uttered these words.

“Oh, it’s not for me, can you take this up to Row 19 and give it to my wife?”

She continued to smile maniacally and disappeared again.

Soon the food cart made its way toward us, and the flight attendant asked Mr. Antsy if he wanted a fruit and cheese plate.

He looked perplexed.

 “Not for me, but do you know if my wife ordered one? Can you go and ask her?”

I had to glance at him to determine if this was really happening.

“I can’t check right now,” the flight attendant ground out. “But I think she got the beef jerky and cracker plate.”

He looked even more befuddled by that news and ordered the fruit plate anyway. He actually took it from the woman and then handed it back.

“My daughter is sitting in Row 12. Can you take this to her?”

I turned to glare at him again and he gave me a vacant look.

When the woman promised to deliver the fruit plate at some point, the man ordered a beer for himself and settled in.

My head started to throb.

I had just opened my book when I noticed the flight attendant was back and hovering in the aisle.

“I’m so sorry!” She wheezed.

I closed my book.

“We are dealing with a woman with a badly injured leg!”

“Oh, no!” (from Mr. Antsy)

“I need to move you both! She has to elevate her leg! It’s very serious!”

I stared at the video player in my lap that I had yet to turn on.

The flight attendant continued. “Don’t worry! I can put you (the man) next to your wife. A seat just opened up (how did that happen??).”

“Great!” And with that, he bounced out of his seat and disappeared.

“And you, madam, I have two terrific options for you!”

Seriously doubting that, I gathered my belongings and followed her toward the front of the plane.

First, she stopped, incredibly, at Row 15, and pointed to the vacant window seat. However, between me and that window seat were two sleeping women who were hunched awkwardly over their tray tables. Clearly there was no way to get into that seat without waking two people. I turned to the flight attendant to state what I thought was fairly obvious to everyone.

“They’re both asleep. I can’t get in there.”

She shook her head and waved her arms.

“Oh, that’s not a problem! You can sit right there.”

I tried again.

“Well, I can’t get in there without waking both of them.”

“You’ll have plenty of leg room in that seat!”

I stared at her for a moment and then asked about my other “terrific” option.

“Yes! That one is even better!” She cooed.

Several rows later, she stopped and pointed to a middle seat on the left side of the plane.

“You can have that seat!”

I gazed down at the 3-month-old baby that was sprawled out on that seat and in a deep sleep. His parents glared at me with undisguised hostility.

I turned to the flight attendant once again.

“I can’t sit in that seat because a sleeping baby is filling that seat.”

She assured me that this was not the case.

“You can! They did not pay for that seat. They’ll have to move the baby!”

My mouth dropped open and I pushed her aside and went back to my first “terrific” option. One of the women was awake and we had to wake the other one so I could crawl into the window seat.

The flight attendant was determined to make things right.

“How would you like a free cocktail?” She sang out.

Just at that moment, a voice over the PA system announced that they would be distributing free cocktails.

I shook my aching head. “No, thank you.”

“What about a free fruit plate?”

I shook my head. I just wanted her to go away. Forever.

“I know! I’ll refund your $10 for the video player!”

Sighing, I took my credit card out of my wallet and handed it to her. For several minutes, she swiped the card with a hand-held machine and frowned. She just kept swiping it back and forth, as though she had never used the machine before.

I wondered how many thousands of dollars she was charging me to use the video player that I had yet to activate.

She laughed. “You know what? This is the wrong machine!”

Oh, my God. Even the two women next to me looked sympathetic.

She scurried away and returned with a different machine, swiped my card 10 more times and handed it back to me.

Then she actually winked. “Let me know if you need that cocktail after all! It’s complimentary!”

I nodded. Apparently all the cocktails were complimentary. I guess she didn’t think I could hear.

I leaned back in my seat and watched drops of condensation drip from the window to my left. That couldn’t be good.

Then someone came over the PA system and yelled, “For all of you celebrating birthdays today—congratulations!”

What a weird announcement.

The mopey woman next to me muttered, “Why do people even say Happy Birthday? So we’re born—so what?”

I gazed out the window and noticed that we were flying over the island.

Aloha, and welcome to Maui.